The Beautiful Journey to My New Home

Sunset at the Charles River

Boston holds a lot of nostalgia for me because there were some not-so-good hallmarks of my life that took place in this city two years ago. There are places and people here who trigger an anxiety attack in me but necessarily have no connection to the life-changing events of my life. Indeed, it's not their inherent fault but something I attribute solely to myself. Thus, it took an immense level of strength to return with the intention of settling here but inshaAllah (God willingly), I can already foresee that this decision will not end up with regrets.

I came to the United States two months ago like many others in hopes of getting a green card so that I can start my life, pay off my loans and give back to my parents who have worked day and night to bring me where I am. However, the past couple of months were nothing like the glorious "American dream" some of my relatives and friends back in Pakistan perceive me to be living. It was the ultimate test of my patience and faith. A relative told me a few weeks ago and I paraphrase:
"No one forced you to make such a choice. What you're going through now are the repercussions of your own decisions that you took four years ago."

Alas! This isn't the first time I have heard that from a loved one but I don't think I need to explain my reasons to anyone. I already gave my best shot in the summer when a question upon question was hurled to my family about our back and forth travel to America especially when my father has been in and out of jobs and claims to not be in the financial position to move out of our family home. My word bank is out of words for such explanations and it's only God I hold on to for helping me and my family stand strong during these times of high tide.

I stayed in Hartford, CT, for over more than a month at one of my mom's friends' home. She and her husband are a quiet couple who have their own way of life - a life which was obviously disturbed when I moved in. I could be entirely wrong because my emotions could be a manifestation of my own mental state but after a while I could feel the signs of my physical and financial burden on them. Weekly trips to Boston for interviews gave me the necessary breaks but were not enough to alleviate my discomfort until a point that I decided to move out.

I traveled to my college campus in hopes of finding refuge, but alas! That in itself was another poor decision. I wouldn't deny that my friends were really hospitable and a couple of them gave me such a warm reception that I couldn't believe my eyes that how could a person like me receive so much love? But....I guess I made the mistake of not realizing that I no longer belonged there. That I had *graduated* and was no longer a student there. Everyone was busy in their own thing while I was that stranger in the foreign land. Only an unwanted stranger. Hence, time and time again of getting locked out and hearing refusals of "I'm sorry, but I have a lot of work to do," left me in a greater state of frustration and loneliness than I was before.

As I packed my bags to move again, this time to Boston, I just sat on them in silence, not wanting to travel again. In theory I knew that a Muslim never loses hope but in practice I was failing terribly. As one of my closest friends entered the room to help, I told her, "I don't want to go! I am done. I give up."

It's instances like these when real friends come in the picture. They remind you of God's countless blessings and give us a hand to lift us from the lowest pits of our sorrow. Since she and I had attended the Quranic Supplications course together, her mere presence reminded me of the incident of Taif when Prophet Muhammad pbuh knew that no one else other than his original forty companions were going to believe in him in his hometown of Makkah. So he went to the valley of Taif to seek those who could support him but instead was ridiculed and chased out of the city with stones. He bled so much that the soles of his feet were stuck to his shoes due to the clotted blood. On his way back from Taif with tears and blood running down his face, he fell into a ditch and did not want to get out of it. In this misery, he lifted his hands high above his head and exclaimed: 

"O Allah! I complain to You of my weakness, my scarcity of resources and the humiliation I have been subjected to by the people. O Most Merciful of those who are merciful. O Lord of the weak and my Lord too. To whom have you entrusted me?

To a distant person who receives me with hostility? Or to an enemy to whom you have granted authority over my affair? So long as You are not angry with me, I do not care. Your favor is of a more expansive relief to me. I seek refuge in the light of Your Face by which all darkness is dispelled and every affair of this world and the next is set right, lest Your anger or Your displeasure descends upon me. I desire Your pleasure and satisfaction until You are pleased. There is no power and no might except by You."

Wasn't that powerful?! I had tears in my eyes while writing it down because his emotions were my emotions as I departed Mount Holyoke. I knew that I could NEVER be in his shoes but since I am not a prophet like him, I can only strive to emulate him and can never have the level of patience, forbearance and gratitude he possessed.

I came to Boston with an open mind and with the intention of seeking internal peace through prayer and reflection, especially now that Imam William Suhaib Webb was back from his Malaysia tour. It was after the Friday prayer that I realized that Allah's help was near. Not only did I qualify for the second interview of a job I really wanted but a now-close-friend's mom offered me to stay at their home while I searched for jobs. I hesitated to take her offer but as I was driven out by the roommate of a friend whose apartment I stayed for a couple of nights after arriving in Boston, I realized that there if there are bad people in this world, they're also good people. If some of us are the Quraysh of Makkah, then some of us are the Ansaar (helpers) of Madina who embraced the immigrants from Makkah with open arms and gave them a place in their homes as if they were related by blood.

My mom's friend in Hartford would advise me, "Maybe you should start looking for opportunities outside of Boston." What she didn't know was that I am in dire need of its Muslim community, primarily of their religious guide i.e. Imam Webb. He is the reason why I took so much pain to move here and be near the ISBCC, despite the nostalgia associated with this city. Not that the mosque he presides over is any different than it was before, but the atmosphere is now different. The people are different. They are diverse. They are creatively and intellectually engaged. They are empowered. Young people especially women run the mosque and most of all, there are opportunities for people like me to learn. To learn more about this beautiful religion that has changed millions of lives since its birth. To learn about my rights as a woman so that no man can ever oppress me in the name of religion. Here I have opportunities to question in a judgment-free zone. Where I am told that I should not be ashamed of asking questions and that there is no stupid question because every question yields an answer. On a side note, I think he's a lot of fun too and that's why the youth are attracted to be around him. E.g. thanks to him and Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda, I am finally aware of American football. Dude! That's an achievement now!

A friend told me to not attach so much value to an individual and she is completely right. Even in his own words Imam Webb asked us to "attach ourselves to the message, not the messenger (unless he is the Prophet or one of those qualified to be emulated, which I'm not.)" The point isn't the attachment. The point is the intellectual and spiritual guidance. I still can't forget the day two years ago when a dear non-Muslim friend visited the ISBCC and unfortunately wasn't provided the answers he was looking for. Once he finished reading a book given to him by the store-owner of the mosque, someone definitely not qualified to handle a scientist from Harvard, he declared, "Truthfully speaking, Sidra, I am disappointed!"

I know a Muslim should not think of the "what ifs" but what if Imam Webb was there? Would both of us actually have been better catered? Would the first impression be the last impression for many of those who try to reach out but then return empty-handed? Imam Webb is only an individual but with his vision at Ella Collins Institute, I am sure that some of us will be able to inshaAllah empower ourselves like generations that followed after Prophet Muhammad pbuh. Those people were scientists and Muslims (e.g. Ibn Sina - more commonly known as Avicenna), philosophers and Muslims (e.g. Imam Al-Ghazali) mathematicians and Muslims (e.g. al-Khwarizmi, the father of algebra) and on and on and on. So the question is: What holds us back in excelling in our respective fields along with excellence in Islam? Why do science and the church always have to be at a war and why does religion have to be another "social construct?"

In short, this is why I have moved here so that I can be empowered to be a great human being along with being able to answer all these difficult questions that today's youth struggles to answer. Alhamdolillah (all praise to God), my housing and other logistics are still not sorted out but time and time again I remind myself that I am here for a greater good and insha'Allah my Sustainer will provide for me even if my limited perception cannot foresee it now. SubhanAllah, my nomadic life has taught me extreme humility and has helped me comprehend the true essence of the the Prophet's words:

"Be in this world like a traveler."

It has helped me realize that I may think that my problems are the greatest, but there were and are people out there who have it worse. Even in this world, you only get what your reap. You study hard, you pass. You don't, you fail. As as my thesis advisor warned me before my thesis defense, "Remember, the best of the students always get a tough time from us. We just want to test you how good you are!"

Similarly, no one gets a free ride to paradise either. Allah says in the Quran:

"Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!" - Quran 2:214

That gives me a perspective that even if the chosen men i.e. messengers of God had to cry, "When will the help of Allah come?" then indeed, I need to tell myself too, "Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!"

And just like that, I conclude my post for tonight. I have been doing some great stuff in Boston: making new friends, have met inspiring Muslim artists, went to a synagogue to attend an interfaith political action, and most importantly have been taking classes at the Ella Collins Institute. All those adventures deserve another post but for now, I request everyone to make duas for my friend and her family who have been so generous and hospitable to host me. May Allah swt make things easy for them and give them expanse in this world and the hereafter. May Allah swt reward their family with a beautiful home in paradise and may He give us all the company of the righteous in this life as well as the life after. Ameen.

Trading Identities

Last week I gathered the courage to undergo some physical transformations. No, I did not come out of the closet. And no, my bob haircut after a decade of having long hair is certainly not a typical indication of such a change.

I have struggled with body image in the past. I wouldn't deny that I have got rid of it completely but spending four years at the amazing and diverse institution such as Mount Holyoke has definitely helped me gain most of my self-esteem back. To top it off, my friends in Scotland and the US have made me feel so special in their own little ways that I can't be more grateful to God for having the life I have alhamdolillah (all praise to Allah). And of course, the salvation I have gained this past year through Islam is irreplaceable. Blogs such as www.suhaibwebb.com have helped me relate to other fellow Muslims and helped me realize that I am not alone in my struggles because others also undergo similar circumstances like I do (check out some my favorite posts: I'm So Not Worth Anything, Why do people have to leave each other?, and Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise).

The particular change that I underwent this week seems so surreal for a reason. For as long as I can remember, I have actively tried to not smile/laugh with my mouth wide open (not even scream like Sponge Bob). I have a canine in my mouth that is still a milk tooth, while the permanent one is stuck at the top of my jaw and has pushed my upper incisors outwards over time. My buck teeth were my signature look and since the time someone rebuked me as "rabbit-teethed" (and even "ugly") a decade ago, I decided that I will never get braces despite suggestions from friends and relatives that I should do so. I vowed that I would make my mark in this world through my capabilities and not through my looks. After coming to the US and through my friends' perseverance, I gained the confidence to smile freely along with the typical brown-skin pride that I developed during my college career. Unfortunately, this confidence kind of wears off when I go back to Pakistan and hear my friends and cousins complain of their looks, especially on the occasion of a tan (which itself is very occasional as a matter of fact). It hurts when I see that our education hasn't elevated us out of our colonial nightmare, even after all these years. On a side note, all my Pakistani friends need to meet my forever-cool and beautiful African sisters to learn how to feel beautiful 24/7!

Anyhow, some of you know that I knocked out one of my incisors three years ago when I fell down after a fainting spell. Loosing my front tooth was a devastation but I was glad that the dentist temporarily fixed it at that time and let me keep it. He prescribed me to keep it for only five weeks after which it would rot and fall off on its own. I don't know why I took the risk of not getting it fixed after those five weeks but when Allah wants something, even science fails to explain it. Forget five weeks. My tooth lasted in my mouth for three years and three months to be exact, and according to the dentist, it had regenerated which is why it was still intact. SubhanAllah!

Since I was finally moving to the States in hopes of having a long-term plan of finding a job and pursuing graduate studies here, I finally decided to trade my dear tooth with an implant i.e. a fake replacement. It wasn't entirely my choice because it finally had started to move. The past couple of weeks were spent in a lot of agony and pain, and a bloodied mouth, but now that I do have a tooth that is not as protruded and long, I kind of miss my signature. Surprisingly, I miss that toothy smile, a smile I have always been embarrassed to show off. I miss my imperfection because it reminded me that only my Creator deserves perfections and no matter how successful I get, I would still be a lowly creature in comparison to Him. No change occurs without Allah's permission and He must have had some wisdom as to why he chose these particular changes for me at this stage of my life.

After reading a reflection each day without break these past 30 days (the Ramadan Reflections series by Imam Khalid Latif), my babble would be incomplete if I didn't take the time to reflect on what I learned from this experience. Here are a few obvious thoughts:

1. Nothing in this life is permanent
You have to let go of things, people, health, memories and even your own body at one point. Of course the Creator has the wisdom to summarize this phenomenon into perfect words:

"Every soul has to experience the taste of death. We test you with both hardships and blessings. In the end you will all return to Us." [Quran 21:3]

 2. "Truly with hardship comes ease" - Quran 96:6

People compare this life to a roller-coaster ride but the reality is in the opposite. You don't have to suffer a low and then rise above to experience the ease. The hardship and ease are both coupled together and it's only a matter of patience and faith that the same hardship ends up becoming a blessing for you.

"The ease is at the same time as the hardship. This means that nothing in this life is ever all bad (or all good). In every bad situation we’re in, there is always something to be grateful for. With hardship, Allah also gives us the strength and patience to bear it." [Yasmin Mogahed]

The third and the last surgery was the painful of them all. The dentist didn't anesthetize me before starting his wrestling game with my tooth. Upon waves of pain in my bone, he finally decided to give two shots of local anesthesia but I don't think he was aware that I could still feel the scalpel on my gums. While I slithered in pain and actively did dhikr (remembrance of Allah) in my heart, I remembered all those who've had it worse than me. One of the examples that came in my mind at that time was that of Pharaoh's magicians who were ruthlessly executed by the Pharaoh when they declared their faith in Moses' Lord. They chose to bear the temporary pain in exchange of eternal bliss. They were wise to realize that that their hardship was coupled with ease and it was only a matter of time that they'd find their reward with their Real Lord.

"...So I will surely cut off your hands and feet on opposite sides, and I will surely crucify you on the trunks of date-palms, and you shall surely know which of us [I (Pharaoh) or the Lord of Moses (Allah)] can give the severe and more lasting torment." They said: "We prefer you not over what have come to us of the clear signs and to Him (Allah) Who created us. So decree whatever you desire to decree, for you can only decree (regarding) this life of the world...And Allah is better as regards reward in comparison to your reward, and more lasting." [Quran 20:71-73]

3. A difficulty can be a source of alleviation of our sins
I was very sad this Ramadan because I again fell short of the goals I had ascribed for myself in this holy month. I had to skip almost a week's worth of fasts due to my recurrent dental procedures and antibiotic course. Fortunately, a friend helped me understand that worship and repentance do not only take the form of ritual acts but there are also other ways through which Allah swt expiates our sins. Aisha (ra) narrated that the Messenger ﷺ  said,

“No trouble comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that it becomes (the means) whereby his sins are effaced or his sins are obliterated.” [Muslim]  

4. You don't truly value what you have until you lose it
It was only when I had trouble biting and had to eat cold, bland and soft food that I realized what a great blessing it is to have a functional mouth. Allah swt took away only ONE tooth from me and that caused me so much trouble. Imagine the multitude of blessings we are drowning in and yet still are ungrateful.

""And He gave you of all that you asked for, and if you count the Blessings of Allah, never will you be able to count them. Indeed, mankind is most unjust and ungrateful." [Quran 14:34]

5. I can't understand how Muslims could ever have body image issues?
After thoroughly exploring the little bit of Islam I have explored through my measly efforts, I have come to realize that a faithful Muslim will never resort to the era of jahiliyyah (ignorance) when standards of beauty were dictated by one's color and race. The Prophet ﷺ liberated us the shackles of such ignorance and even though we quote his last sermon every now and then, we really need to sit down one day and sincerely reflect upon his words:

"All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black, nor a black has any superiority over a white- except by piety and good action." [Prophet Muhammad ﷺ at his last sermon in Makkah]

I truly repent to Allah swt for all those time when I was unable to rescue myself from the claws of inferiority complex and felt that I was any lower than another human being based on superficial aspects. I make dua that may Allah swt give us the ability to race against each other in attaining piety instead of building our base material desires. I make dua that we find refuge in seeking Allah swt's approval on the day of judgment than seeking fake approval from His creation. Ameen.

Last but not the least, I am still struggling with the change but insha'Allah (God willingly), I am sure it's teach me more lessons than the ones it has already taught. And yes, I will try my best to smile and laugh with my mouth wide open even though I am not yet quite used to it. This is my new identity now. Better try it than let go of it!