Welcome Home

"What are your upcoming travel plans in the near future?"

"My best friend is getting married insha'Allah in the summer. I can't even imagine missing her wedding!"

"Sidra, it will be beautiful to attend your friend's wedding together."

Broken promises. Joy. Shattered dreams. Hope. Anxiety. Contentment.

"I want to go home."

"Yay! You will be home in two days!"

"No! HOME. As in my apartment."

Claustrophobia. Freedom. Loss. Strength. Loneliness. Family. Fearlessness.

"Have you got married yet?"

"That is a personal question. I choose not to answer it."

"You have not changed. You're still the same feminist."

"Call it feminism or respect for one's privacy. I choose to call it latter."

Put together the frame. Stretch the canvas. Break it down. 

Stretch it again. Gesso it. Paint up. Paint down.

"I am getting treated for cancer. Stomach cancer."

"Are you alone here?"

"I lost my entire family. My daughter, my mother. Allah kareem [while pointing upwards]! Sigh!"

"I will keep you in my prayers."

Perspective. Humility. Gratitude. Istighfar. Home? No. Mosque.

Familiar faces. Shrink and hide. Salah. Shut your eyes. Listen. Focus.
إِنَّهُمْ يَكِيدُونَ كَيْدًا وَأَكِيدُ كَيْدًا

"Verily they are but plotting a plot. And I (too) am planning a plan." [Quran 86: 15-16]

Plethora of emotions. Acceptance. Insight. Submission. Surrender.

"I am planning a plan."

"I am planning a plan."

Hot tears streaking the face. Hands raised high. Forget. Disappear.

Head on the ground. Breathe. Let it out. Sob. It'll be OK.
Prayers for mercy. Prayers of thankfulness. 

Prayers for healing. Prayers to forgive. 

"Ya Allah! Build them a home in paradise."

Forgiveness. Patience. Forbearance. Faith. Tawakkul.

Silence. The last to remain. Look around. Say good-bye.

Make a final prayer. Wipe away the tears. Go! Walk up straight.

"Assalam-o-alaikum! Have a good night!"

"How are you going home?"

"On the train."

"I would have given you a ride but I still have half an hour here."

"JazakAllah khayr. Please don't worry. I will be fine. I do this all the time!"

Exchange smiles of reassurance, of kinship. Exit. 

Inhale the spring fragrance. Soak it in. The rain tingles the skin. The breeze caresses the cheeks.

Look up at the heavens. Admire the beauty of the clouds. 

He is watching. Feel His protection. Feel the love. He has a plan. Trust HIS plan.

Smile. Smile wide. Thank God. 

"He is indeed planning a plan."

Home-bound. Fragile. Handle with care. Welcome aboard. In the air. Touch down.

"Welcome home." 

http://themellowjihadi.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Clifton-Beach-in-Karachi-Pakistan.jpg

Let go

Go out tonight

And let the full moon wash away all your sorrows. 

Let the coolness of the ocean bathe your soul 

And the spring air energize your core. 

Let go.

Let go to feel and breathe

The ultimate climax of freedom.

Castle Island, MA

Observing the Sunset

Watching the sunset is one of those priceless moments of life that I have now learned to appreciate more than ever. There is beauty in solitude and tranquility in nature. Amidst all that noise in the outer world, the more you look internally, the more you're surprised by the peace within. No wonder the Prophet pbuh spent days in the Cave of Hira. Imagine walking up and down at the mountain and watching sunrises and sunsets everyday, the orange light of the sun peaking at you in the cave, embracing you, warming you....and giving you hope! :)

SubhanAllah (Glory to God)!

"And from among His signs are the night and the day, and the sun and the moon..." -- Quran 41:37

Gratitude to My Parents

I was recently asked, "How was your parents' marriage?"

My response: "The best I have ever seen masha'Allah."

Today marks my parents' 25th wedding anniversary - a marriage based on true love, sincerity, loyalty, and respect. I am one of the luckiest people in the world to be raised by parents who taught me what it means to give unconditional love to one another even if you are polar opposites apart -- my mother is very outspoken and social like me whereas my father's the complete opposite: very private, reserved and often at times, quiet. They taught me the true meaning of "commitment" and showed me what it takes to make a marriage successful despite the multiple storms that try to knock it down.

Thank you Pappa, for being the best father and husband in the world. Thank you for battling for my mother and for marrying her despite all the resistance you and Mamma faced before marriage. Thank you for looking at her with the same love in your eyes that you had for her when you first married her. Thank you for being a real man and not giving in to the expectations of our society that expects men to be authoritative and hard especially towards their womenfolk. 

Thank you for being a friend, the only friend who understood me completely especially during these past few months when no one but you could feel my pain. Thank you for all those intimate conversations that are not typical father-daughter conversations and thank you for all your duas. Thank you for believing in me and for supporting me through my dreams when the whole world, including myself doubted me. Thank you for being the first love of my life. I am sure you're always going to be the first and the last!

Thank you Mamma, for taking all those blows and bruises for my father, for fighting for him before and after marriage especially as a woman in our society. Thank you for raising a strong daughter and fighter like yourself. Thank you for making all those sacrifices you have made for us and our father. Thank you for running the home so well as a single mother whose husband and oldest daughter left the country when real challenges entered our family life. Thank you for loving me and checking on me every single day of my life. Thank you for being one of my best friends with whom I can share anything in life - even details that I would hesitate to share with my closest friends. 

Thank you, both of you, for being an inspiration to all of us. Bhai, Farah, Hamza and I are indeed the luckiest to have you both as our parents. May Allah swt reunite us as a family with aafiyah in this world and the hereafter. Ameen.

Happy wedding anniversary! I love you!

Reconnecting with Two Long-forgotten Friends

"I drank the silence of God from a spring in the woods." -- Georg Trakl

The woods swayed around me. No longer quiet but loud. Not calm but raging. As if...they were angry. They were angry because I had forgotten their mother, Nature. I had forgotten them and their best friend, Silence. I stood amid their magnificence as the wind howled against us. Staring onto the horizon, holding on tightly to my mug of hibiscus tea. Head bowed, tears streaming down my face.

Defeated. Yet accomplished. Weak. Yet so strong.

I whispered meekly, "I am sorry."

Nature spoke, "God and I were there for you when you had no one. We embraced you all those times when you treaded over the fallen leaves in the woods, laid down at the river bank, gazed the full moon, and fell asleep on a pillow of flowers under the shade of the spring sun. We comforted your heart and supplied you serenity. How dare you replace us with (false) Attachment?"

I opened my mouth to say something but then shut it instantaneously. I really had nothing to offer in defense.

Silence broke its long-maintained silence, "I was your most favorite companion. Every single day of your life we both held hands together, especially in the dark hours when others are in bed. How could you forget those solitary walks under the night sky and the bike rides at sunrise when we'd be interfered by none? Am I not one of the major reasons why you want to live on a farm - away from the clutter and commotion of a city? How unfortunate that you even forgot to mention my importance in your life to Attachment?!"

I responded dejectedly, "I guess I got carried away when it entered my life. I wanted to converse and spend time with it so much so that I never realized when I started worshiping it. Sadly, that's how I lost you on the way, dear Silence. By God, it was never my intention to let you go. Sigh! He has indeed brought me down to my knees so that I can be reunited with Him and you. God has left me with no choice but to embrace you and Nature back in my life. I wish we didn't have to reconcile this way but I didn't wish for so many things either."

And that's when it hit me that today, it was indeed over. Today was the day to commemorate the parting. My shoulders sagged and fresh hot tears began to swell in my eyes.

It was at this particular moment that God interjected my bleak thoughts:
"Your Lord has neither forsaken you nor hated you. And indeed the Hereafter is better for you than the present (life of this world). And verily, your Lord will give you (all that is good) so that you shall be well-pleased." - Quran 93:3-5

The gold and silver linings of the clouds glowed brighter. The woods humbled and Silence regained its composure. Finally, a smile broke across my lips.

I said to Nature and Silence, "See guys! He doesn't hate me and I guess this is not the end. I know it seems like it, but it's really not! This day shall mark a new beginning for us, a new journey, a new love story. We won't let (false) Attachment ever destroy our relationship. I promise. There's hope. There's light. And most importantly: there is sincerity with the self and Allah swt.

رضيت بالله رباً، وبالإسلام ديناً، وبمحمد صلى الله عليه وسلم نبيا
I am content with Allah as my Lord, Islam as my religion and Muhammad (peace be upon him) as my messenger.

The whole world can leave me but as long as I am able to hold on to my Allah, my Islam, and my messenger, I am good. We all are good. As a matter of fact, that's all we need in life, don't we?"

Upon hearing this, Nature and Silence both smiled in agreement. Without saying a word, we all understood that there is a reason why God created us as a trio.

I bid farewell to the woods and steadily walked towards the bus. It was time to return to Boston. Better and stronger.

It was time to finally let go.

------------------------

On the weekend of February 15h-17th I was blessed to be part of the MAS Boston Winter Retreat that took place in the beautiful Berkshires, MA. As one of the main leaders, I was not obligated to stick to a group, and hence ended up stealing quiet moments here and there to have multiple conversations like the one above with God, Nature and Silence. Instead of socializing with friends, some that I actually looked forward to seeing after a long time, I chose to either sip a cup of tea all by myself in the dining hall or squeeze in a moment with the woods. The greatest celebration of my reunion with Nature and Silence took place during the times when I made my late night rounds from one lodge to another in efforts to ensure that the sisters were all set. It was during those solitary moments that I would sing Dawud Wharnsby's Lullaby out loud and find comfort in the fact that I was the only one outdoors in those wee hours of the night when no one except God could hear or see me. 

I am glad that I was part of the retreat, I am glad for meeting and working with the lovely people I got to know because of the retreat, I am glad that God chose me for the leadership position, and I am glad that other things in life eventually happened the way they happened. Were it not for the darkest hour of the night, we would never appreciate the break of dawn. Indeed it is the break of dawn that leads to a new day and a new beginning. Alhamdulillah ala kulli Haal (all praise to Allah under any and all circumstances)! I can't be more blessed!

And I make Umm Salamah's dua

Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) reported, "I heard the messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) saying, 'When a person suffers from a calamity and utters: 'inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. Allahumma ajarni fi musibati, wakhluf li khayran minha (we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. O Allah compensate me in my affliction, recompense my loss and give me something better in exchange for it), then Allah surely compensates him with reward and better substitute."

Umm Salamah (ra) said, "When Abu Salamah (ra) died, I repeated the same supplication as the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) had commanded me (to do), so Allah bestowed me a better substitute than him." 

-- Muslim

The clouds will clear

There is a void in the heart that is hard to fill

There is wound in the chest that is difficult to heal.

This pain will end

And these eyes will smile.

The darkest clouds will clear

And the brightest of the days will appear.