Victory in the Face of Loss, Rejection and Humiliation

Often when a door is closed in our faces, ESPECIALLY when we have toiled to attain that goal, it hurts. We are humiliated when faced with rejection, and frustration and disappointment are natural phenomena. The companions of the Messenger of God (peace be upon him) felt the same way on the day of Hudaybia, the day 1,400 Muslims were turned away from Makkah ofter an arduous journey on foot and not allowed to perform the pilgrimage at the Holy Mosque as they had originally intended to.

The journey to Makkah was so difficult that as families, kids and sacrificial animals passed this narrow path of hot burning rocks and thorns for miles, the Prophet (pbuh) gave them the glad tidings, "This for you is like the entering of Children of Israel though the doors of Jerusalem
(referencing the ayah:

And [recall] when We said, "Enter this city and eat from it wherever you will in [ease and] abundance, and enter the gate bowing humbly and say, 'Relieve us of our burdens.' We will [then] forgive your sins for you, and We will increase the doers of good [in goodness and reward]." - Qur'an 2:58)," 

meaning that "If you do this act with humility, God will forgive ALL of your sins.

However, as the Muslims camped out of Makkah, after multiple negotiations, the representative from the Quraysh, Suhail bin Amr came up with the most "ridiculous-seeming" contract for the Muslims that they will return back to Madina that year and if any man was to come escape from Makkah to come to Madina, the Muslims would turn him away. Right at that moment, Sohail's son, Abu Jundal entered upon the Muslims after he had been in the shackles in his father's basement for four years. He had heard the news of the Muslims and managed to escape. When Abu Jundal heard the terms of the treaty, he began wailing and crying saying, "Are you going to return me to the polytheists?"; his gut-wrenching pleas further agitating the Muslims.

The Prophet (pbuh) went to him and consoled him by saying, "يا أبا جندل ، اصبر واحتسب فإن الله عز وجل جاعل لك ولمن معك من المستضعفين فرجا ومخرجاً - Dear Abu Jundal...be patient and content! No doubt, God the Most High and Glorious, has created for you and whoever's with you from the weak ones, a happy ending and an exit (after your hardship)."

Aaah! The disappointment and hardship of being turned away, not to witness the painful handover of a tortured man back to those who oppressed him. Omar (he's my man because he used to think out his thoughts like I do!) lost his mind and came to the face of the Prophet (pbuh) and exclaimed, "ألست نبي الله حقاً Aren't YOU the Prophet really?! ألسنا على الحق وعدونا على الباطل؟ Aren't we on the truth and our enemies on falsehood?"

The Prophet (pbuh) calmly looked at him and said, "No doubt, I AM the Messenger of God." Snaaaaaap!!!

The Messenger of God (pbuh) asked all the pilgrims to take off their ihraams and leave. However. NO. ONE. budged. There was absolute pin-drop silence. This time, not even Abu Bakr, the Prophet's best friend, stood up. Everyone was so upset and this was the only time in the history of the Prophet (pbuh) when his companions did not submit to the usual, "سمعنا و أطعنا We heard and we obeyed."

Our beloved Messenger (pbuh) was so sad. He quietly walked into the tent of his wife, Umm Salamah, who recommended him to sacrifice his animal and shave his head because everyone else would then eventually follow. And so they did. And they began their journey back to Madina.

Omar (may God be pleased with him) finally realized his mistake and kept moving his animal next to the Prophet's (pbuh) ride and asking him, "Dear Messenger of God, may I have a word with you?" And the Prophet (pbuh) didn't even make eye contact him. Omar was so hurt that after the third time he retreated backwards into the caravan and began crying, "Let my mom mourn the loss of her son today" because he was afraid that the Prophet (pbuh) was upset with him and an ayah would come down from God reprimanding him about his behavior.

Then, as the Muslims neared the later part of the journey, the Messenger (pbuh) summoned Omar and man! He was SCARED! Turns out, as he walks towards the Prophet (pbuh), the Messenger (pbuh) was beaming with a big smile. And then he recited the entire Surah Fath to Omar beginning with the following ayah:

إِنَّا فَتَحْنَا لَكَ فَتْحًا مُّبِينًا 

"Indeed We have given you (O Muhammad pbuh) a clear victory." - Qur'an 48:1

Omar and the rest of the Muslims were was dazed! God called THIS victory?! With all the treaty's absurd terms and with the Muslims returning back to their homes? And of course..we all know how this treaty eventually helped the Muslims in the long run.

But man! When I heard that: I had tears in my eyes. How many times doors or rejection and humiliation are shut in our faces and yet we walk away from those closed doors thinking that "God has been unfair to us," or "Why didn't He reward my hard work?"

Perhaps the very loss that we suffered IS the ultimate victory. The very rejection IS the acceptance in the eyes of God. The very silence that we maintain patiently during a calamity IS our eventual salvation, not only in this world, but hopefully in the next too, insha'Allah.

And as the surah concludes, gratitude to God at such instances is not expressed except through prayer. That's why God describes the same companions who had literally almost walked out of the folds of Islam by the following words:

"Muhammad is the Messenger of God; and those with him are stern against those who disbelieve, merciful among themselves. You see them bowing and prostrating [in prayer], seeking bounty from God and [His] pleasure. Their mark is on their faces from the trace of prostration. That is their description in the Torah. And their description in the Gospel is as a plant which produces its offshoots and strengthens them, so they grow firm and stand upon their stalks, delighting the sowers. As a result, it fills the disbelievers with rage at them. God has promised those who believe and do righteous deeds among them forgiveness AND a great reward." - Qur'an 48:29

So don't despair. Victory is just around the corner. :)

Caring for A Sapling

Faith is like water to plants. It is why God uses the example of water/rain reviving the dead earth over and over again in the Qur'an just like how He brings life to a (spiritually) dead heart through faith.

What's interesting is that you have to gradually water a fragile plant with tiny amounts in the beginning because if you inundate/flood it with too much water, it's likely going to be damaged with the overwhelming pressure it has to bear. However, once the same plant turns into a big strong tree, not only does it have the capacity to absorb more water, grow and nourish; it also is now able to benefit others by giving fruits of its own. In the worse case scenario, it also has the ability to become a pillar of its own and withstand outside pressures such as strong winds and floods without causing too much damage to itself.

Similarly, the human heart is the same. If you dump too much water on it in its baby stages of acquiring faith (in God), you might kill it. That's why it took THIRTEEN YEARS of faith-building before God could send down any injunction onto Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessing be upon him) and his companions. He gradually built them and their hearts with gentle spurts of faith and once they had become big and strong trees, they could finally handle the responsibilities and regulations that came along with them being Muslims (literally: those who submit to God).

How patient are we to those around us? How gentle are we to ourselves? Do we give ourselves and others at least thirteen years to grow and nourish before we even come close to being despondent?

Just like the stones that take a while to make space for rivers to pour forth, give yourself and others the time and opportunity to grow. Faith will eventually sink in and perhaps benefit you even more than you could have ever imagined! :)

"...No doubt, there are stones out of which rivers gush forth, and indeed, there are of them (stones) which split so that water flows from them, and indeed, there are of them (stones) which fall down in awe of God..." - Qur'an 2:74

Beet Saplings: Bear Creek Community Church Garden, Irving TX

Reflections from Umrah: Part 1 - Remembering Death

I went for umrah, an optional and "lesser" pilgrimage to Makkah (and Madina), Saudi Arabia, between January 4th and 13th, 2014, with a group of Muslims under the leadership of Imam Suhaib Webb, and Ella Collins Institute. Now that I am back, I will be sharing my reflections with everyone through this series, God willing.

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The day before I left for umrah, I watched a series of YouTube reflections from the two holy mosques, Masjid al-Haram and Masjid al-Nabawi, by two of my favorite Islamic scholars, Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda and Brother AbdelRahman Murphy. I primarily wanted to get a taste of what it would be like to be in Makkah and Madina aside from the mental and spiritual preparation for the greatest journey of my life I was about to undertake. Despite the light and encouraging mood of all the videos, one of them caught my attention the most:

Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda had done a great job at visually capturing the awe one experiences while going around the Ka'aba in Makkah, especially from the rooftop. From above, one marvels at the breathtaking beauty of the ocean of humanity from all ethnicities and nationalities going round and round around the Ka'aba, never even stopping for a nano-second during the day except during the congregational prayers.

The Ka'aba, as captured by my camera one beautiful morning in Makkah

However, what grabbed my attention to this specific video was the fact narrated by Brother AbdelRahman that at the holy mosques, there was a funeral prayer EVERY single prayer, *five* times a day: not for one dead person but sometimes multiple, including children. Even though I had no trouble accepting this reality since I am sure a lot of people die in every big city of the world, I probably did not understand the magnitude of such an experience until I was physically in Makkah and Madina.

I had not offered a funeral prayer for a long time, maybe months, before I went for umrah. Our community, alhamdulillah, does not have that many funerals to begin with, not to mention that my work schedule doesn't really allow me to join the blessing of praying with the family and community of the dead. The first time I stood and joined a funeral prayer in Madina, I was shaken to the core when I heard the word, الاطفال. I shuddered because in my broken Arabic I had understood that there were at least three kids' dead bodies in the front rows of the mosque upon whom I was praying. It was not only a humbling experience but an intimidating one with the realization that God has given me life beyond childhood1 to acquire the double-edged sword of free will so that I could "choose" how to live my life and what state would I be ready to die and face my Creator.

As Muslims, we are supposed to remember death every single day of our lives because we believe that the life of this world is nothing more than what the Quran eloquently describes it to be:

ٱعْلَمُوٓا۟ أَنَّمَا ٱلْحَيَوٰةُ ٱلدُّنْيَا لَعِبٌ وَلَهْوٌ وَزِينَةٌ وَتَفَاخُرٌۢ بَيْنَكُمْ وَتَكَاثُرٌ فِى ٱلْأَمْوَٰلِ وَٱلْأَوْلَٰدِ ۖ كَمَثَلِ غَيْثٍ أَعْجَبَ ٱلْكُفَّارَ نَبَاتُهُۥ ثُمَّ يَهِيجُ فَتَرَىٰهُ مُصْفَرًّا ثُمَّ يَكُونُ حُطَٰمًا ۖ وَفِى ٱلْءَاخِرَةِ عَذَابٌ شَدِيدٌ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ وَرِضْوَٰنٌ ۚ وَمَا ٱلْحَيَوٰةُ ٱلدُّنْيَآ إِلَّا مَتَٰعُ ٱلْغُرُورِ
"Know that the life of this world is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children, as the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter (there is) a severe torment, and (there is) Forgiveness from God and (His) Good Pleasure, whereas the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment." - Quran 57:20

Since there is no denial that "every soul shall taste death (Quran 29:57)", death is an inevitability Muslim or non-Muslim, all submit to. With that being said, death was never as real until I was reminded of it through the funeral prayers, five times a day, in both Makkah and Madina. Out of the eight days I was in the two holy cities, only once did we not have a funeral and to my surprise, it rather seemed bizarre why no one had died within the 2-3 hours' window between the two prayers of that particular day! To be honest, I actually looked forward to praying a funeral prayer after every congregational prayer for the reality check of death, including the selfish reason of earning reward2. It was the latter sadistic realization that brought me back to reality upon which I immediately thanked God that no one had lost a loved one, or someone we prayed upon, within those hours. 

Madina was more powerful when it came to the reminder of death because of the placement of Jannat ul-Baqi', the cemetery right adjacent to Masjid al-Nabawi where almost 20,000 of Prophet Muhammad's family and companions are buried including common folk who die in Madina till this day. Unfortunately, women are not allowed in Baqi' despite the prayer of visiting the graveyards reaching us from the mouth of a woman.3 So, being the rebellious woman that I am, I would often go to one of the corners of Baqi' from where I could peek in, and sometimes, even chase a funeral procession and watch it go down the cemetery until I lost it in the distance. I liked going there in the peace of the night and would hold the bars of Baqi' and stare at the thousands of unmarked graves ahead of me. I would pray that may God make me and my generations like Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his companions (may God be pleased with all of them), most of who lay ahead of me. At times I would even force myself to imagine myself in a grave with one of my favorite ayahs4 of the Quran playing in my head:

الْمَالُ وَالْبَنُونَ زِينَةُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا ۖ وَالْبَاقِيَاتُ الصَّالِحَاتُ خَيْرٌ عِنْدَ رَبِّكَ ثَوَابًا وَخَيْرٌ أَمَلًا

Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life. But the enduring good deeds are better to your Lord for reward and better for [one's] hope. - Quran 18:46

Jannat ul-Baqi', Madina

As I prepared to leave Makkah, I was scared. I was scared that once I returned to the States, I would fall back into the heedlessness of life and no longer feel the spiritual high that I felt amidst these sacred places. I felt scared that the daily reminder of death would no longer be as strong once I returned, and as I clamored to fulfill the base desires of my body, I may even put the greater purpose of my life on the side. In this desperation, I ended up recording the audio of the dawn prayer on my last day in Makkah because I wanted to take away a part of the serenity that I felt in these mosques. As soon as I put my phone down for the recording, I broke down into a burst of tears when I realized that God had already answered one of my prayers because the famous Shaykh Sudais, who I had not heard since we came to Makkah, was leading the prayers. 

I wept with him while he led away the prayers. After two weeks of returning from Makkah, I now share the recording with you all in hopes that it intellectually, emotionally and spiritually blows you away like it blew me away:

Quran 75:20-40 - Shaykh Sudais, Makkah
(The translation of the ayahs in the recording above can be found here: http://quran.com/75)

I now understand that what God wanted me to bring back from Makkah was indeed the reminder of death. And that, there is no escape from it. May He take our souls away when we're in a state of submission to Him and may He make the day our souls are reunited with Him the best day of our existence. Ameen.

كَلَّآ إِذَا بَلَغَتِ ٱلتَّرَاقِىَ

Nay, when (the soul) reaches to the collar bone (i.e. up to the throat in its exit), 

وَقِيلَ مَنْ ۜ رَاقٍ

And it will be said: "Who can cure him and save him from death?"

وَظَنَّ أَنَّهُ ٱلْفِرَاقُ

And he (the dying person) will conclude that it was (the time) of departing (death); 

وَٱلْتَفَّتِ ٱلسَّاقُ بِٱلسَّاقِ

And the leg will be joined with another leg (shrouded).

إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ يَوْمَئِذٍ ٱلْمَسَاقُ

The drive will be, on that Day, to your Lord!

- Quran 75: 26-30

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. Surely we belong to God and to Him shall we return.

God willing, stay tuned for Part 2: Benefitting from the Scholars.

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1 In the Islamic faith, we don't believe in original sin. A a child is born "sinless" and retains his/her free ticket to enter Paradise until he/she attains mental and physical maturity. Dying as a child can be a blessing for the child as well as his/her parents because not only does he/she go straight to Paradise, the child can also serve as a means of letting his/her parents into Paradise if they died in a state of servitude to God. 

2 Khabbab reported that he asked "O 'Abdullah Ibn 'Umar! Did you hear what Abu Hurairah says? He says that he heard Allah's Messenger, saying. 'Whoever leaves his house to attend a funeral prayer, offers funeral prayer, and then follows the funeral procession until the body is buried will receive two kerats of reward, each of which is like the mountain of Uhud. And whoever offers the funeral prayer and then leaves for home will get a reward like the mountain of Uhud" (Muslim). Ibn 'Umar sent Khabbab to 'Aishah asking her about the statement of Abu Hurairah. She said, "Abu Hurairah has told the truth." When Ibn ' Umar was informed about this he said, "We have indeed lost many a kerat."

3 One night the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) left his home in the middle of the night without telling his wife, Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her), who lay next to him. Aisha followed him secretly to the graveyard and when he came home, he (peace be upon him said): 

"Gabriel came to me when you saw me. He called me and he concealed it from you. I responded to his call, but I too concealed it from you (for he did not come to you), as you were not fully dressed. I thought that you had gone to sleep, and I did not like to awaken you, fearing that you may be frightened. 

He (Gabriel) said: Your Lord has commanded you to go to the inhabitants of Baqi' (to those lying in the graves) and beg pardon for them. 

I said: Messenger of Allah, how should I pray for them (How should I beg forgiveness for them)? 

He said: Say, 'Peace be upon the inhabitants of this city (graveyard) from among the Believers and the Muslims, and may Allah have mercy on those who have gone ahead of us, and those who come later on, and we shall, God willing, join you.'"

- Sahih Muslim Book 004, Hadith Number 2127

4 Every verse in the Quran is called an "ayah" which can be literally translated to: proofs, evidence, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.

Two Cups of Tea

"The first time you share tea with a Balti [or a Pakistani], you are a stranger. The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest. The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family, and for our family, we are prepared to do anything, even die."

- Haji Ali in Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace ... One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson  

As I sip this cup of tea,

Am I permitted to reminisce 

About our two cups of tea?

Or is that choice taken away from me too

As you took away my cup of tea?

"Would you like to have a cup of tea?"

Yes please, with honey

Not sugar, if you may please.

If it is alright that I may sit with you

While we drink from our cups of tea?

I am making tea.

Anyone wants tea? Only one.

Then why create the fuss 

If we brew only two cups of tea?

Let us slowly savor 

Our two cups of tea.

One bag of tea

Makes two cups of tea.

"Because I like my tea light

And perhaps now, you and your company.

So it is alright that you  may sit with me

While we drink from our cups of tea."

First time. You are a stranger.

Second time. I am an honored guest.

Third time. We are family.

Infinith time? "Sorry, you should leave.

Forget me. Forget even your cup of tea."

And so it shall be.

Two forgotten cups of tea.

Welcome Home

"What are your upcoming travel plans in the near future?"

"My best friend is getting married insha'Allah in the summer. I can't even imagine missing her wedding!"

"Sidra, it will be beautiful to attend your friend's wedding together."

Broken promises. Joy. Shattered dreams. Hope. Anxiety. Contentment.

"I want to go home."

"Yay! You will be home in two days!"

"No! HOME. As in my apartment."

Claustrophobia. Freedom. Loss. Strength. Loneliness. Family. Fearlessness.

"Have you got married yet?"

"That is a personal question. I choose not to answer it."

"You have not changed. You're still the same feminist."

"Call it feminism or respect for one's privacy. I choose to call it latter."

Put together the frame. Stretch the canvas. Break it down. 

Stretch it again. Gesso it. Paint up. Paint down.

"I am getting treated for cancer. Stomach cancer."

"Are you alone here?"

"I lost my entire family. My daughter, my mother. Allah kareem [while pointing upwards]! Sigh!"

"I will keep you in my prayers."

Perspective. Humility. Gratitude. Istighfar. Home? No. Mosque.

Familiar faces. Shrink and hide. Salah. Shut your eyes. Listen. Focus.
إِنَّهُمْ يَكِيدُونَ كَيْدًا وَأَكِيدُ كَيْدًا

"Verily they are but plotting a plot. And I (too) am planning a plan." [Quran 86: 15-16]

Plethora of emotions. Acceptance. Insight. Submission. Surrender.

"I am planning a plan."

"I am planning a plan."

Hot tears streaking the face. Hands raised high. Forget. Disappear.

Head on the ground. Breathe. Let it out. Sob. It'll be OK.
Prayers for mercy. Prayers of thankfulness. 

Prayers for healing. Prayers to forgive. 

"Ya Allah! Build them a home in paradise."

Forgiveness. Patience. Forbearance. Faith. Tawakkul.

Silence. The last to remain. Look around. Say good-bye.

Make a final prayer. Wipe away the tears. Go! Walk up straight.

"Assalam-o-alaikum! Have a good night!"

"How are you going home?"

"On the train."

"I would have given you a ride but I still have half an hour here."

"JazakAllah khayr. Please don't worry. I will be fine. I do this all the time!"

Exchange smiles of reassurance, of kinship. Exit. 

Inhale the spring fragrance. Soak it in. The rain tingles the skin. The breeze caresses the cheeks.

Look up at the heavens. Admire the beauty of the clouds. 

He is watching. Feel His protection. Feel the love. He has a plan. Trust HIS plan.

Smile. Smile wide. Thank God. 

"He is indeed planning a plan."

Home-bound. Fragile. Handle with care. Welcome aboard. In the air. Touch down.

"Welcome home." 

http://themellowjihadi.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Clifton-Beach-in-Karachi-Pakistan.jpg

Let go

Go out tonight

And let the full moon wash away all your sorrows. 

Let the coolness of the ocean bathe your soul 

And the spring air energize your core. 

Let go.

Let go to feel and breathe

The ultimate climax of freedom.

Castle Island, MA

Observing the Sunset

Watching the sunset is one of those priceless moments of life that I have now learned to appreciate more than ever. There is beauty in solitude and tranquility in nature. Amidst all that noise in the outer world, the more you look internally, the more you're surprised by the peace within. No wonder the Prophet pbuh spent days in the Cave of Hira. Imagine walking up and down at the mountain and watching sunrises and sunsets everyday, the orange light of the sun peaking at you in the cave, embracing you, warming you....and giving you hope! :)

SubhanAllah (Glory to God)!

"And from among His signs are the night and the day, and the sun and the moon..." -- Quran 41:37