Uncertainty

We came back

To where we started from.

Back to square one.

With no direction,

No companionship,

No ambition.

Alone, lost, confused
And broken.
In million pieces.
Where are the pieces?
Do you have them?
Or did we lose them on our way?

Where are the promises?

Did we forget them too?
Or are they safe somewhere
Locked up in a safe?
Ready to be opened
And unfolded.

Hey! I see a tiny sliver of hope

To guide us through this darkness.
Do you see it too?
Oh, my! Your eyes are closed.
Wake up! It's not time to sleep yet!
We still have such a long way yet to go.

Layers upon layers
Of darkness upon darkness.
I realize it is bleak and scary
But please hold my hand.
I know faith is hard to come by,
Especially, when there is... no real sign of light.

Just follow me along,
I'm sure we can discover the sunrise together.
Yunus (as) did it too,
But only after being stranded in the darkness
And going through what he went through.

Ayub, Ibrahim, Yusuf, Musa, and Zakariya (as),
And our very own beloved Muhammad (pbuh).
All had their shares of darkness,
So what if we have one too?
Keep walking and keep following along
Insha'Allah we'll find our light too.

The Beautiful Journey to My New Home

Sunset at the Charles River

Boston holds a lot of nostalgia for me because there were some not-so-good hallmarks of my life that took place in this city two years ago. There are places and people here who trigger an anxiety attack in me but necessarily have no connection to the life-changing events of my life. Indeed, it's not their inherent fault but something I attribute solely to myself. Thus, it took an immense level of strength to return with the intention of settling here but inshaAllah (God willingly), I can already foresee that this decision will not end up with regrets.

I came to the United States two months ago like many others in hopes of getting a green card so that I can start my life, pay off my loans and give back to my parents who have worked day and night to bring me where I am. However, the past couple of months were nothing like the glorious "American dream" some of my relatives and friends back in Pakistan perceive me to be living. It was the ultimate test of my patience and faith. A relative told me a few weeks ago and I paraphrase:
"No one forced you to make such a choice. What you're going through now are the repercussions of your own decisions that you took four years ago."

Alas! This isn't the first time I have heard that from a loved one but I don't think I need to explain my reasons to anyone. I already gave my best shot in the summer when a question upon question was hurled to my family about our back and forth travel to America especially when my father has been in and out of jobs and claims to not be in the financial position to move out of our family home. My word bank is out of words for such explanations and it's only God I hold on to for helping me and my family stand strong during these times of high tide.

I stayed in Hartford, CT, for over more than a month at one of my mom's friends' home. She and her husband are a quiet couple who have their own way of life - a life which was obviously disturbed when I moved in. I could be entirely wrong because my emotions could be a manifestation of my own mental state but after a while I could feel the signs of my physical and financial burden on them. Weekly trips to Boston for interviews gave me the necessary breaks but were not enough to alleviate my discomfort until a point that I decided to move out.

I traveled to my college campus in hopes of finding refuge, but alas! That in itself was another poor decision. I wouldn't deny that my friends were really hospitable and a couple of them gave me such a warm reception that I couldn't believe my eyes that how could a person like me receive so much love? But....I guess I made the mistake of not realizing that I no longer belonged there. That I had *graduated* and was no longer a student there. Everyone was busy in their own thing while I was that stranger in the foreign land. Only an unwanted stranger. Hence, time and time again of getting locked out and hearing refusals of "I'm sorry, but I have a lot of work to do," left me in a greater state of frustration and loneliness than I was before.

As I packed my bags to move again, this time to Boston, I just sat on them in silence, not wanting to travel again. In theory I knew that a Muslim never loses hope but in practice I was failing terribly. As one of my closest friends entered the room to help, I told her, "I don't want to go! I am done. I give up."

It's instances like these when real friends come in the picture. They remind you of God's countless blessings and give us a hand to lift us from the lowest pits of our sorrow. Since she and I had attended the Quranic Supplications course together, her mere presence reminded me of the incident of Taif when Prophet Muhammad pbuh knew that no one else other than his original forty companions were going to believe in him in his hometown of Makkah. So he went to the valley of Taif to seek those who could support him but instead was ridiculed and chased out of the city with stones. He bled so much that the soles of his feet were stuck to his shoes due to the clotted blood. On his way back from Taif with tears and blood running down his face, he fell into a ditch and did not want to get out of it. In this misery, he lifted his hands high above his head and exclaimed: 

"O Allah! I complain to You of my weakness, my scarcity of resources and the humiliation I have been subjected to by the people. O Most Merciful of those who are merciful. O Lord of the weak and my Lord too. To whom have you entrusted me?

To a distant person who receives me with hostility? Or to an enemy to whom you have granted authority over my affair? So long as You are not angry with me, I do not care. Your favor is of a more expansive relief to me. I seek refuge in the light of Your Face by which all darkness is dispelled and every affair of this world and the next is set right, lest Your anger or Your displeasure descends upon me. I desire Your pleasure and satisfaction until You are pleased. There is no power and no might except by You."

Wasn't that powerful?! I had tears in my eyes while writing it down because his emotions were my emotions as I departed Mount Holyoke. I knew that I could NEVER be in his shoes but since I am not a prophet like him, I can only strive to emulate him and can never have the level of patience, forbearance and gratitude he possessed.

I came to Boston with an open mind and with the intention of seeking internal peace through prayer and reflection, especially now that Imam William Suhaib Webb was back from his Malaysia tour. It was after the Friday prayer that I realized that Allah's help was near. Not only did I qualify for the second interview of a job I really wanted but a now-close-friend's mom offered me to stay at their home while I searched for jobs. I hesitated to take her offer but as I was driven out by the roommate of a friend whose apartment I stayed for a couple of nights after arriving in Boston, I realized that there if there are bad people in this world, they're also good people. If some of us are the Quraysh of Makkah, then some of us are the Ansaar (helpers) of Madina who embraced the immigrants from Makkah with open arms and gave them a place in their homes as if they were related by blood.

My mom's friend in Hartford would advise me, "Maybe you should start looking for opportunities outside of Boston." What she didn't know was that I am in dire need of its Muslim community, primarily of their religious guide i.e. Imam Webb. He is the reason why I took so much pain to move here and be near the ISBCC, despite the nostalgia associated with this city. Not that the mosque he presides over is any different than it was before, but the atmosphere is now different. The people are different. They are diverse. They are creatively and intellectually engaged. They are empowered. Young people especially women run the mosque and most of all, there are opportunities for people like me to learn. To learn more about this beautiful religion that has changed millions of lives since its birth. To learn about my rights as a woman so that no man can ever oppress me in the name of religion. Here I have opportunities to question in a judgment-free zone. Where I am told that I should not be ashamed of asking questions and that there is no stupid question because every question yields an answer. On a side note, I think he's a lot of fun too and that's why the youth are attracted to be around him. E.g. thanks to him and Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda, I am finally aware of American football. Dude! That's an achievement now!

A friend told me to not attach so much value to an individual and she is completely right. Even in his own words Imam Webb asked us to "attach ourselves to the message, not the messenger (unless he is the Prophet or one of those qualified to be emulated, which I'm not.)" The point isn't the attachment. The point is the intellectual and spiritual guidance. I still can't forget the day two years ago when a dear non-Muslim friend visited the ISBCC and unfortunately wasn't provided the answers he was looking for. Once he finished reading a book given to him by the store-owner of the mosque, someone definitely not qualified to handle a scientist from Harvard, he declared, "Truthfully speaking, Sidra, I am disappointed!"

I know a Muslim should not think of the "what ifs" but what if Imam Webb was there? Would both of us actually have been better catered? Would the first impression be the last impression for many of those who try to reach out but then return empty-handed? Imam Webb is only an individual but with his vision at Ella Collins Institute, I am sure that some of us will be able to inshaAllah empower ourselves like generations that followed after Prophet Muhammad pbuh. Those people were scientists and Muslims (e.g. Ibn Sina - more commonly known as Avicenna), philosophers and Muslims (e.g. Imam Al-Ghazali) mathematicians and Muslims (e.g. al-Khwarizmi, the father of algebra) and on and on and on. So the question is: What holds us back in excelling in our respective fields along with excellence in Islam? Why do science and the church always have to be at a war and why does religion have to be another "social construct?"

In short, this is why I have moved here so that I can be empowered to be a great human being along with being able to answer all these difficult questions that today's youth struggles to answer. Alhamdolillah (all praise to God), my housing and other logistics are still not sorted out but time and time again I remind myself that I am here for a greater good and insha'Allah my Sustainer will provide for me even if my limited perception cannot foresee it now. SubhanAllah, my nomadic life has taught me extreme humility and has helped me comprehend the true essence of the the Prophet's words:

"Be in this world like a traveler."

It has helped me realize that I may think that my problems are the greatest, but there were and are people out there who have it worse. Even in this world, you only get what your reap. You study hard, you pass. You don't, you fail. As as my thesis advisor warned me before my thesis defense, "Remember, the best of the students always get a tough time from us. We just want to test you how good you are!"

Similarly, no one gets a free ride to paradise either. Allah says in the Quran:

"Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!" - Quran 2:214

That gives me a perspective that even if the chosen men i.e. messengers of God had to cry, "When will the help of Allah come?" then indeed, I need to tell myself too, "Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!"

And just like that, I conclude my post for tonight. I have been doing some great stuff in Boston: making new friends, have met inspiring Muslim artists, went to a synagogue to attend an interfaith political action, and most importantly have been taking classes at the Ella Collins Institute. All those adventures deserve another post but for now, I request everyone to make duas for my friend and her family who have been so generous and hospitable to host me. May Allah swt make things easy for them and give them expanse in this world and the hereafter. May Allah swt reward their family with a beautiful home in paradise and may He give us all the company of the righteous in this life as well as the life after. Ameen.

Trading Identities

Last week I gathered the courage to undergo some physical transformations. No, I did not come out of the closet. And no, my bob haircut after a decade of having long hair is certainly not a typical indication of such a change.

I have struggled with body image in the past. I wouldn't deny that I have got rid of it completely but spending four years at the amazing and diverse institution such as Mount Holyoke has definitely helped me gain most of my self-esteem back. To top it off, my friends in Scotland and the US have made me feel so special in their own little ways that I can't be more grateful to God for having the life I have alhamdolillah (all praise to Allah). And of course, the salvation I have gained this past year through Islam is irreplaceable. Blogs such as www.suhaibwebb.com have helped me relate to other fellow Muslims and helped me realize that I am not alone in my struggles because others also undergo similar circumstances like I do (check out some my favorite posts: I'm So Not Worth Anything, Why do people have to leave each other?, and Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise).

The particular change that I underwent this week seems so surreal for a reason. For as long as I can remember, I have actively tried to not smile/laugh with my mouth wide open (not even scream like Sponge Bob). I have a canine in my mouth that is still a milk tooth, while the permanent one is stuck at the top of my jaw and has pushed my upper incisors outwards over time. My buck teeth were my signature look and since the time someone rebuked me as "rabbit-teethed" (and even "ugly") a decade ago, I decided that I will never get braces despite suggestions from friends and relatives that I should do so. I vowed that I would make my mark in this world through my capabilities and not through my looks. After coming to the US and through my friends' perseverance, I gained the confidence to smile freely along with the typical brown-skin pride that I developed during my college career. Unfortunately, this confidence kind of wears off when I go back to Pakistan and hear my friends and cousins complain of their looks, especially on the occasion of a tan (which itself is very occasional as a matter of fact). It hurts when I see that our education hasn't elevated us out of our colonial nightmare, even after all these years. On a side note, all my Pakistani friends need to meet my forever-cool and beautiful African sisters to learn how to feel beautiful 24/7!

Anyhow, some of you know that I knocked out one of my incisors three years ago when I fell down after a fainting spell. Loosing my front tooth was a devastation but I was glad that the dentist temporarily fixed it at that time and let me keep it. He prescribed me to keep it for only five weeks after which it would rot and fall off on its own. I don't know why I took the risk of not getting it fixed after those five weeks but when Allah wants something, even science fails to explain it. Forget five weeks. My tooth lasted in my mouth for three years and three months to be exact, and according to the dentist, it had regenerated which is why it was still intact. SubhanAllah!

Since I was finally moving to the States in hopes of having a long-term plan of finding a job and pursuing graduate studies here, I finally decided to trade my dear tooth with an implant i.e. a fake replacement. It wasn't entirely my choice because it finally had started to move. The past couple of weeks were spent in a lot of agony and pain, and a bloodied mouth, but now that I do have a tooth that is not as protruded and long, I kind of miss my signature. Surprisingly, I miss that toothy smile, a smile I have always been embarrassed to show off. I miss my imperfection because it reminded me that only my Creator deserves perfections and no matter how successful I get, I would still be a lowly creature in comparison to Him. No change occurs without Allah's permission and He must have had some wisdom as to why he chose these particular changes for me at this stage of my life.

After reading a reflection each day without break these past 30 days (the Ramadan Reflections series by Imam Khalid Latif), my babble would be incomplete if I didn't take the time to reflect on what I learned from this experience. Here are a few obvious thoughts:

1. Nothing in this life is permanent
You have to let go of things, people, health, memories and even your own body at one point. Of course the Creator has the wisdom to summarize this phenomenon into perfect words:

"Every soul has to experience the taste of death. We test you with both hardships and blessings. In the end you will all return to Us." [Quran 21:3]

 2. "Truly with hardship comes ease" - Quran 96:6

People compare this life to a roller-coaster ride but the reality is in the opposite. You don't have to suffer a low and then rise above to experience the ease. The hardship and ease are both coupled together and it's only a matter of patience and faith that the same hardship ends up becoming a blessing for you.

"The ease is at the same time as the hardship. This means that nothing in this life is ever all bad (or all good). In every bad situation we’re in, there is always something to be grateful for. With hardship, Allah also gives us the strength and patience to bear it." [Yasmin Mogahed]

The third and the last surgery was the painful of them all. The dentist didn't anesthetize me before starting his wrestling game with my tooth. Upon waves of pain in my bone, he finally decided to give two shots of local anesthesia but I don't think he was aware that I could still feel the scalpel on my gums. While I slithered in pain and actively did dhikr (remembrance of Allah) in my heart, I remembered all those who've had it worse than me. One of the examples that came in my mind at that time was that of Pharaoh's magicians who were ruthlessly executed by the Pharaoh when they declared their faith in Moses' Lord. They chose to bear the temporary pain in exchange of eternal bliss. They were wise to realize that that their hardship was coupled with ease and it was only a matter of time that they'd find their reward with their Real Lord.

"...So I will surely cut off your hands and feet on opposite sides, and I will surely crucify you on the trunks of date-palms, and you shall surely know which of us [I (Pharaoh) or the Lord of Moses (Allah)] can give the severe and more lasting torment." They said: "We prefer you not over what have come to us of the clear signs and to Him (Allah) Who created us. So decree whatever you desire to decree, for you can only decree (regarding) this life of the world...And Allah is better as regards reward in comparison to your reward, and more lasting." [Quran 20:71-73]

3. A difficulty can be a source of alleviation of our sins
I was very sad this Ramadan because I again fell short of the goals I had ascribed for myself in this holy month. I had to skip almost a week's worth of fasts due to my recurrent dental procedures and antibiotic course. Fortunately, a friend helped me understand that worship and repentance do not only take the form of ritual acts but there are also other ways through which Allah swt expiates our sins. Aisha (ra) narrated that the Messenger ﷺ  said,

“No trouble comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that it becomes (the means) whereby his sins are effaced or his sins are obliterated.” [Muslim]  

4. You don't truly value what you have until you lose it
It was only when I had trouble biting and had to eat cold, bland and soft food that I realized what a great blessing it is to have a functional mouth. Allah swt took away only ONE tooth from me and that caused me so much trouble. Imagine the multitude of blessings we are drowning in and yet still are ungrateful.

""And He gave you of all that you asked for, and if you count the Blessings of Allah, never will you be able to count them. Indeed, mankind is most unjust and ungrateful." [Quran 14:34]

5. I can't understand how Muslims could ever have body image issues?
After thoroughly exploring the little bit of Islam I have explored through my measly efforts, I have come to realize that a faithful Muslim will never resort to the era of jahiliyyah (ignorance) when standards of beauty were dictated by one's color and race. The Prophet ﷺ liberated us the shackles of such ignorance and even though we quote his last sermon every now and then, we really need to sit down one day and sincerely reflect upon his words:

"All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black, nor a black has any superiority over a white- except by piety and good action." [Prophet Muhammad ﷺ at his last sermon in Makkah]

I truly repent to Allah swt for all those time when I was unable to rescue myself from the claws of inferiority complex and felt that I was any lower than another human being based on superficial aspects. I make dua that may Allah swt give us the ability to race against each other in attaining piety instead of building our base material desires. I make dua that we find refuge in seeking Allah swt's approval on the day of judgment than seeking fake approval from His creation. Ameen.

Last but not the least, I am still struggling with the change but insha'Allah (God willingly), I am sure it's teach me more lessons than the ones it has already taught. And yes, I will try my best to smile and laugh with my mouth wide open even though I am not yet quite used to it. This is my new identity now. Better try it than let go of it!

An E for Effort

When life is not going the way we would like it to go, we can become frustrated and give up on the mercy of Allah swt. Or when our efforts are not accepted by people, we give up on their Creator and start thinking that the Creator does not value our efforts the same way as the creation chooses to pick up on our weaknesses instead of our strengths. What we fail to realize is that Allah swt does not grade us based on accomplishments but He grades us based on our effort.

In times such as now when I feel weathered down by things which I necessarily do not want in my life, I derive my strength from Allah swt who is always there to welcome me with His open arms and from His religion, Islam, which makes me feel special even if my efforts are not realized by this world. It's difficult to convince my loved ones to listen to a lecture/read an article until and unless it's something that I scream myself. Hence, I am going to make a little effort in sharing some words of wisdom that keep me going and what time could be better than the month of Sha'aban to renew our intentions and kick off for Ramadan!

If you look at the report card of a child, in particular of children who are in preK or kindergarten you will notice that they don’t really give students grades. You look at the report card card and there's not even an A, B or C but only an E – E for effort.

However, when we get older, we start getting worried about grades. When we are in school, we worry about which high school we’re going to go to, when we are in high school we worry about college, when we are in college we worry about which graduate school to go to and then in graduate school we worry about our sub-specialty and then we worry about our jobs. It’s an endless list! The time when we were young was a special time when only effort was enough. They would give you a paper which you could color and it didn’t matter if you were inside the line or outside the line - whatever you did, you got an E. You just had to copy the A and you could be as crooked as you could get and they would put a star and give you an E for effort because as long as the student makes an effort, he/she is applauded.

However, when we grow old we create a false competition of As, Bs and Cs, income and test scores etc. amongst us. What we fail to realize is that when we deal with Allah swt the whole story is based on effort as there is no grading.

The IT people have trouble if an outside data set is brought to them because it is difficult for them to work on the interphase of two incompatible sets of data. But it is indeed amazing that Allah swt allows us to interact with Him even though we don’t share a single characteristic with Him e.g. Allah swt never slumbers and we need to sleep and other such characteristics that make us different and dependent on our Creator. But He still allows us to interphase with Himself through bowing down, prostration etc. and the only requirement for that is the state of wudu.

What is wudu? It is a mechanism through which we purify ourselves but the question is that are we really ever free of impurity? There is always impurity in our body: blood is impure and it is flowing in our bodies, even if we get rid of our waste, there’s always some stool and urine in our intestine and bladder. But we only make the effort of making wudu and doing istinja and Allah swt rewards us and allows us to communicate with Him through sujud, ruku`, talaawah, tawaf etc.

Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham) p.b.u.h. was commanded to sacrifice his son, Ismail. He brought his son to the altar and when he was about to sacrifice Ismail p.b.u.h, Allah placed an animal in place of him. Prophet Ibrahim p.b.u.h. was ready and willing to sacrifice his son but he did not have to. The challenge was to sacrifice his son but Allah swt uplifted the difficult circumstance from him and gave him and E for effort.

Another example is of them building the Ka’abah or the House of Allah. If you are going to build a house and the house is going to be for Allah that will last until the day of judgment, you are going to build something grand and elaborate. But in fact what did the father and son build? They just built a simple square box yet Allah swt accepted their effort in such a way that people clamor and cry to get there and once they are there, they forget whatever is happening in the world. And all of this was based on the effort of Prophet Ibrahim and Ismail p.b.u.h.

From day one of Islam we are taught that the reward is based on our intentions: 

From the Commander of the Faithful Abi Hafs ‘Umar Ibn Al Khattab, who said : I heard the Prophet of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) say :

 

“Actions are but by intentions…”

This hadith requires that each person has to looks at him/herself and makes their own effort. To enter jannah there’s no criteria that you have to fit in 99^th percentile but if you are in the 97^th you won’t be able to enter it. It’s only in this world that we get gauged like this but not in the hereafter. If I spend 70 years of worship then I should only get 70 years in jannah but that is not the case because Allah swt says:

وَالَّذِيۡنَ اٰمَنُوۡا وَعَمِلُوا الصّٰلِحٰتِ سَنُدۡخِلُهُمۡ جَنّٰتٍ تَجۡرِىۡ مِنۡ تَحۡتِهَا الۡاَنۡهٰرُ خٰلِدِيۡنَ فِيۡهَاۤ اَبَدًا‌ ؕ

“And as for those who believe and do good works, We shall make them enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow - to dwell therein forever” Quran 4;57

Likewise, the Prophet saws also dealt with his companions in a similar way. He was willing to accept their smallest deeds because he realized their efforts. He told them that one date as sadaqah would be equal to the value of Mount Uhad in gold and when a person who gave one date when they had two or at time when only one, Allah swt accepted their effort and rewarded them with an immense reward.

So what do we learn from all these examples:  

Everyone has to make an effort and we have to understand that our effort will be different than someone else’s effort.  Pleasing Allah is so easy that even if we try to color and miss the page, we will still get the reward. 

The Prophet (S AW.) said: ” Whoever says La ilaha illah Allaah (sincerely) will enter Paradise.” (Reported by Bazzar and declared authentic by Al-Albani in Sahih AI-Jami) 

Hence, it all depends on our individual effort and we should never despair of Allah swt’s mercy. All we have to do is to register for the class and Allah swt counts us amongst those who graduate. But we should make whatever little effort we can to improve ourselves no matter which stage of personal development we all are at.  If it means that you don’t pray, just be conscious of one of those prayers. If it means improving your wudu, then invest some time in correcting it and several such actions that require our attention. 

"Take one step towards me, I will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards me, I will run towards you." [Hadith Qudsi] 

We just have to turn our faces towards Allah and He will give His attention to us. Especially during these blessed days before Ramadan we should sit and reflect that “What can I do in my life?” “What’s the next step that I can take?” 

Just as we expect Allah swt to accept our efforts, we should accept other people’s efforts as well as long as they are sincere. 

Prophet saws was very accepting of his companions. Anas r.a. was the servant of Rasulallah saws for 10 years since he was a child. According to him, the Prophet saws never said to him that why didn’t he something this way or the other although the task of Anas r.a. was assisting the messenger of Allah whose job was to uplift the whole humanity and establish the religion of Allah. If I was serving a person of such a status, I would be constantly making mistakes even though I am adult but Anas r.a. was a child and still the Prophet saws never complained! 

If we accept that Allah will accept our efforts, as long as others have sincerity we should even accept their efforts. In today’s world the fundamental disagreement between parents and children is that either the child did not accept the effort of parents and wanted perfect parents or the parents did not accept the efforts of their children. The same is the case with spouses. When we start having demands then everything falls apart. We forget to think that “Allah is accepting me despite my deficiencies, then why should I not accept others?

Unfortunately we get caught up with our ego and say “I’m fine!” or “Why doesn’t X, Y or Z doesn’t do things like I want to?" It’s Shaytan (satan) that gets us caught into human beings and leads us to complain again and again, “How come this is not perfect?” when in fact we should focus on Allah and ourselves and say, “I am imperfect,” “I am imperfect,” “I am imperfect.”

Rather we should take our ability of making 100 critiques and critique ourselves instead of criticizing others.If we critique this and criticize that, we will only end up making ourselves and those around us bitter. By being judgmental and not accepting of others deficiencies, we create more anger and frustration around ourselves that cause neither us nor others to be happy.

Hence we should make use of these days before Ramadan and make an effort to draw near to our Creator and try hard to accept others’ efforts. Indeed, getting eternal success is sooooooooo simple only if we have the sincere desire to move closer to Allah swt!
“Whoever says La ilaha illah Allah will enter Paradise.”

Most of the article has been transcribed from Shaykh Husain Abdul Sattar's talk called "An E for Effort."

Life as a traveler

Dedicated to all my friends who stood by side in the last three years. 
(Written on May 26th, 2011)

On the authority of Abdullah ibn Umar (May Allah be pleased with them both), he relates that the Prophet (Peace be upon him) once held my shoulders and said:

“Live in this world as (if you are) a wayfarer or a stranger.” And Abdullah ibn Umar (May Allah be pleased with them both) used to say: “If you live till night, then do not wait for the next day (i.e. do not have hopes that you will live to the next day), and if you wake up in the morning do not have hope that you will live till the night. And take (advantage) from your health before your sickness and take advantage of your life before your death (i.e. do every possible obedience in your life before death comes to you for then no deeds can be performed.)” [Bukhari and Tirmidhi]

As Muslims, we hear this hadith many times in our lives but the true wisdom of it may not be understood by us except by those who are the friends of Allah swt and devote their whole lives in the path of Islam or by a traveler. Does being a traveler entitle one to have no attachments to the temporary? Maybe? Unfortunately even though I am a traveler, I tend to do the otherwise and attach myself to certain people when I move about in the world. As soon as I realize that they are really important in my lives, it is time to leave that city/state/country and then I have to start all over again. To a third person the idea may seem as an exciting one but truthfully speaking it is one of the most difficult things I have to do in my life - over and over again.

When I left Karachi on 28th August, 2008, my friends were my everything and I thought each one of us would be friends forever. Three years down the line only the true ones remained whereas the others moved on. Some got closer, some distanced out. Sometimes I wonder whether it was even worth spending my time and energy on some but probably that's what the situation required from me at that time? After two years at Mount Holyoke, then came a summer in Boston. Got reunited with a friend from Pakistan and made new friends. I do not regret getting close to my old and new friends in Boston but saying goodbyes at the end of the summer took an immense emotional toll. It was the second time I shed tears upon departing a city, the first being Karachi of course. I knew I would always be able to come back but the fear of moving away from those who strengthened me everyday made me despondent.

First semester of junior year at college: I never imagined myself getting close to some people but yet I did. Others wondered that how could we get along so well despite our differences but I suppose friendship does not see gender, beliefs or religion. It only connects our hearts and indeed my heart got attached to my friends. Promises were made of staying in touch but upon coming to Glasgow, those promises lost the battle to the academic/work commitments. I understood and moved on assuming that I would be friendless in Glasgow as I was the odd one out in the study abroad batch: the only Muslim, a nondrinker, a non-partier who couldn't afford to travel much outside of Glasgow.

I was wrong. My heart gave in yet again and fresh faces entered my life. I used to scoff at the idea of having your closest friends from those who seek the path of Islam (literally submission to God) and it was the first time in life I understood their true significance. They gave me the strength I hadn't received in a long time. They understood my internal and external struggles and gave solutions that were relevant and helpful. However, it was time to move on again and I was left doubting the promises made even though I have faith that they will not be broken inshaAllah.

Left Glasgow and arrived in Boston. It wasn't until I left Boston again that the nostalgia of the past and the anxiety of the future ten weeks hit me. I am expecting another adventure in Baltimore, Maryland inshaAllah. A new city and a new state. New place, new people. I hope to see some old friends in Maryland too but don't really know what to anticipate. A part of me wants to remain impartial and not depend on new friends but a part of me wants to explore more and be open to new experiences. I wish I could balance the two so that every time I leave a city, it doesn't hurt that much but I suppose this is what life is for me now. The life of a foolish traveler who tries to make an abode for herself inevitably everywhere she goes.

However, time has made me learn an important lesson: people leave me and I leave people but there is One who NEVER leaves my side. Whichever place in the world, whatever the circumstances, Allah is only One who is always by my side and understands every feeling of mine. He never abandons me and is beneficent on me even in times when I have turned away from Him. How grateful may can I be to Him for giving me such amazing friends and family in my life! Alhamdolillah (all praise to Allah)!

In return I pray to Him to grant me the ability to actually live in this world like a real traveler and do whatever good I can do in this short life of mine to make Him happy and fulfill my responsibilities towards His creation so that when my ultimate departure time i.e. death comes, I am not at all nostalgic about this life. Ameen.

Displaced on Jum'uah in Glasgow

After my Photography class at the Glasgow School of Art, I went to hunt down the masjid I had looked up on Google maps. It was closest to the City Center. Got lost a couple of times when I got on the wrong streets and finally when pedestrians were not helpful either, I decided to study the map and find my way around. I knew I was late for jum'uah but still wanted to go ahead because I wanted to benefit from the barakah (blessing) of a masjid. As I moved closer, I saw brothers trickling from a street and knew that I was in the right direction. I was already catching unwanted attention looks because a Muslim woman on a bike did not quite go together. Hence, to avoid more attention, I got off it and walked in the direction of the masjid.

As I stood across from the main entrance, there flood of Muslim men outpoured the masjid but to my astonishment, not a single woman was in sight. I was confused. I went up and asked a middle-aged "uncle" whether there was a place for women in there. He told me there wasn't but he would still go inside to make sure.

I began, "Oh leave it! I don't want to go inside amidst so many brothers anyways..." and before I could finish my sentence, he disappeared in the crowd. I uneasily waited there, wanting to run away since I was the only woman (an odd and misplaced piece of a puzzle not to mention a hijabi with a bicycle) among more than a couple of hundred men.

He returned after a while and apologized that there was no space for me to pray inside. He handed me me a small pieces of paper which said Muslim House 16. He told me it was really close and despite my refusal, convinced me to walk with him to the Muslim House. Apparently it was a musalla at someone's home but when no one answered, he told me about an Islamic school where they had a place for the sisters. I obviously looked very annoyed!

He stopped in his footsteps and turned towards me, and said, "You know a lot of jurists believe that women don't need to have a space for jum'uah?"
"In America almost all masajid have a place for women...."
He looked me in the eye and asked, "Where are you from?"
"Pakistan. But I live in the US."
"Well. A lot of Pakistanis believe that women don't need to be in the masjid for jum'uah."
"I agree that it's not obligatory for women to pray in the masjid but at least they should have the option to pray (especially in the West)."

I was dejected but we both couldn't make ourselves continue the conversation anymore. He was determined to walk me to the Islamic school and while we J-walked the streets like we would have if I was still in Pakistan, I realized I had to stay with him if I wanted to pray dhuhr on time. I followed him along with my bike and we finally arrived to a building that had posters of women plastered at its main entrance. SubhanAllah! It looked more like a beauty parlor from Pakistan and NOT an Islamic school. He walked me through a narrow door that led to a flight of stairs. I locked my bike to one of the railings at the bottom of the staircase and followed him along upstairs.

As soon as I entered the musalla, and the jama'a (congregational prayer) literally ended at that very moment. The sisters and brothers soon vacated the area and while I prayed dhuhr, I could hear the faint humming of a brother's recitation from the men's side.

While I stood up to offer my two sunnahs, a brother walked in and inquired if I was done. I told him I wasn't but would leave if he had to close the place. He shook his head and instead told me that someone outside wanted to see me. I walked outside the prayer space with my arms folded on my chest (my belt strapped top was not really appropriate for a masjid setting) and saw the uncle who had walked me to the school. He handed me a small piece of paper with the address of the school and told me that I was free to come there and pray jum'uah whenever I wanted to. I nodded my head in acknowledgement and as I turned to go back and finish my prayer, I asked him for a copy of the Qur'an. He rushed inside a room and brought me back a copy. He flipped through the pages and asked me if it was one I was comfortable and and without even bothering to look inside, I thanked him and went back to my recluse of prayer.

Once I was finished, I had an unexpected emotional outburst. After I finished reciting Surah Al-Kahf,  I immensely began missing Imam Basyouni's recitation and beat myself for not taking out to hear him over Christmas while I was back in Boston. I recalled the night of  27th of Ramadan when thousands of Muslims sobbed with him while he made the Dua Khatm-al-Quran (prayer upon finishing the Quran) even though 80% of us at the masjid probably not even understand a word. However, ALL OF US, literally ALL OF US sobbed together in unison while Imam Basyouni prayed.

After collecting myself, I packed my stuff and on my way out handed the Quran back to the brother who had first fetched me from the prayer area. He smiled and told me that I should come back again. I told him I appreciated that and while I was about to walk out of the exit, I started fumbling through the leaflets and brochures lying at one of the side tables. Most of them were not interesting but one poster of on the wall particularly caught my my attention. 

It was an excerpt of Shaykh Hamza Yusuf's words about his story of becoming Muslim. To my surprise, I realized that I had actually never dug his journey into Islam. It was inspiration to finally find out that he had first discovered a a lone copy of Quran lying at the bottom of the shelf in a local bookstore. He picked it up thinking that Islam was one religion he knew nothing about and after reading Surah Maryam he entered Islam within a week! His narration of his trip to a Moroccan desert and the woman's dream of seeing a white man with a black turban the night before she met him brought tears to my eyes and I walked out of the masjid in pure awe how God guides people in the most unexpected ways. As I biked back, I had the opportunity to gather my thoughts which I can finally share in the above mentioned context.

I understand that it's recommended for men to pray in the masajid and they have anobligation to pray in them on jum'uah and women don't, but the Muslim community cannot keep its eyes shut from the fact that there are Muslim women who are studying and working along with men. The same way as men have the obligation to establish their five daily prayers, we have the same obligation too. Yes, according to some I am even "sinful" by stepping out of our confinements of my home (I am probably the worst example by being in a foreign country without a mahram) but this is our reality NOW. When Muslim men are OK with studying alongside women in educational institutes or working with them in shared workspaces, then why are they not OK with praying with us at the masajid? They don't have to share the floor with us; a separate space would still be something!

Hailing from Pakistan, a Muslim country, I recognize how tough a job it is for women to make their salah on time if they are outdoors. Men can always walk in a masjid and pray while we women are left at the mercy of random placed like shop basements and pavements with that constant fear of being harassed lurking at them. I appreciate the interpretations of the Hanafi madhab follow some of its fiqh regulations personally, but some ijtihad and ijmaa are desperately needed in our communities ESPECIALLY in the West where our only support system and solid foundations are the Houses of God.

We, the Muslim women, need a share of the Islamic community and the suhba (company) of the righteous too. Maybe you won't understand brothers, but it's actually harder being a Muslim woman in the West than you can probably imagine.

IslamiCity.com - Religion and Science

Found this article interesting and finally realize that I need to stop justifying the Quran under the scientific light as well. Faith, especially the belief in the unseen goes beyond reason and that's the true beauty of it.

IslamiCity.com - Religion and Science

With a little interest I viewed a video of a somewhat celebrated atheist discussing his visit to a Muslim school in the UK. During his trip, he claims to have noticed students quoting verses from the Qur'an which, he says, were scientifically inaccurate. The verses which spoke of two bodies of water that don't mix were clearly misunderstood, and thus misinterpreted. Therefore they were obviously 'scientifically incorrect' to the atheist since he didn't understand them properly in the first place.

Be that as the case may be, it is important to understand that the Muslim does not use science to qualify the Qur'an. Rather it is the Qur'an that is held as the gold standard and is used to qualify the world around him: astronomy, biology, chemistry, even finance and economics.Using science to qualify scripture is by origin a European-American practice where, as the New World was discovered, great effort was made to separate religion from state. Emigrants from the Old World had seen it all: women being burnt alive accused of witchcraft and blasphemy, the Church imposing their Earth-centric view of the universe on everyone, and the persecution of people like Galileo for daring to prove a different solar system. It was no secret that science and Christianity were at odds. But that was Europe.

In the Muslim world there was no conflict between science and religion. Neither the books of Islam nor the teachings of its scholars contradicted invention and technology. As more and more discoveries in science came to light, Qur'anic evidence seemed to support and strengthen them. The Muslim experience with science was one of perfect harmony, and diametrically opposed to that of Christendom's. This congruence, which unlike Europe could find no divide between science and religion, is one reason why there are substantially fewer atheists among educated intellectuals in the Muslim world than there are in Christian nations.

Yusuf Khan resides in the Washington DC area and writes for the Examiner. He speaks frequently at various Islamic centers.